The church needs to send a resounding message to our communities: God loves divorced people.
That message needs to be accompanied by an equally strong message: God hates divorce.
It’s really hard to communicate either message without weakening the other. It’s a delicate balance, but one we have to find. We have to be able to tell people that have gone through a divorce that life has not ended, that God has not given up on them, that they are still valuable and important in our church communities.
At the same time, we need to let our young people know that divorce is an extreme measure, one to be taken only when all other avenues have been explored, all other remedies have proven insufficient.
So how do we do that? How do we denounce divorce without villanizing those who have suffered the trauma of divorce? How do we keep our children from considering divorce as an option without making divorced people feel like second class citizens?
Part of my concern about this comes from something that happened over 10 years ago. I was teaching the high school class at our church and asked them to think about what their lives might be like in 10 years. One very spiritual young man said, “Ten years? I’ll probably be married. I may even be divorced by then!” As I thought about it, I realized that his parents were divorced. One set of grandparents was divorced. He had at least one aunt and uncle that had divorced. To him, that was a natural part of life.
What do you suggest? What should our teaching be? How do we oppose divorce while supporting those who have been through it?
I think we don’t just need to denounce divorce (declare it to be wrong). We need to renounce it (abandon our right to practice it). We are in this strange position of saying it’s a bad thing while still keeping it as an option for certain circumstances. I think we need to choose one path and stick to it. Either it’s on the table or it’s not. This in between doctrine is kind of the worst of both worlds. In Churches of Christ, we speak out against divorce, but we still practice it. So we make people feel guilty for doing something that we aren’t willing to speak with total conviction about. But of course this is the last issue in the world we should be so murky about.
Tim, I agree with everything you said. We need to teach that God hates divorce but that He loves the sinner. Yes, we need to help people try everything else first. Unfortunately, It takes two very commited people to make a marriage work and only one to break it. Also, why is marriage the only unforgivable sin, leaving people no hope. We forgive every other sin and welcome people back into fellowship.
Thank you for this post. I believe we can start by explaining that divorce is a form of death. It is not something to be desired. However, sometimes, divorce is a blessing in disguise. Divorce can mean freedom from violence. Just as with the Pharisees who washed without but failed to wash within, there are priorities. There are things that God hates more than divorce. When marriage is used to promote violence and desecrate the image of God in his creation divorce is a gift. No one speaks to this and often hurts those who have been freed by divorce. Divorce should not be entered into lightly but acknowledged as a recourse for those who have suffered at the misuse of marriage. I love your statement that it takes two to form a marriage covenant but one to break it.