So where can we turn on a Friday to find a little humor? How about Amazon? No, I don’t want you to buy anything. Let’s go read the reviews.

You see, there are people, aspiring authors all, who spend their time writing humorous reviews on Amazon. One of the earliest and most popular was for Tuscan Whole Milk. Skip down and read some of the reviews, like:

My husband and I (both of us have college degrees, mind you, his in engineering) could not figure out how to assemble this. No instructions, no diagrams, not even a lousy cheap Allen wrench. So basically, weeks after purchase, we’re using it as a one gallon paper weight. I haven’t gotten any response from Tuscan.

(See the 10 Best Reviews as chosen by one site)

David Pogue recommended (two years ago) other reviews like “Novelty Yodelling Pickle,” “Wolf Urine Lure (35 fl oz),” “Guardian Angel,” “Parent Child Testing Product,” “Uranium Ore,” “BARRY MANILOW 24×36 COLOR POSTER PRINT,” “Uncle Eddies Vegan Assorted Gift Box,” “Coal Miners’ Wives: Portraits of Endurance,” “Deluxe Skull Mace w/ Custom Sheath & Dagger,” “Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!!,” and “The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.” [Some of these products don’t seem to be there any more]

This week, someone brought a new one to my attention — The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (pictured above). Here’s a few that made me laugh:

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

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This is the greatest kitchen utensil ever! Can’t believe how much time I used to waste with a ruler and pencil, marking my bananas to get those perfectly uniform slices. I was terrible at geometry and trigonometry so it was hard for me to get exact measurements on curved bananas with a straight ruler. Then I had to go back and remove the pencil marks after slicing. There was always that tiny eraser smudge on every slice. This wonderful gadget frees up much more time that can be spent marking my cantaloupes for perfect slices–and boy do I need all the help I can get. It’s even harder to use my ruler to mark round fruit than curved fruit. Hutzler, you’re the best. All my friends are getting one of these for Christmas.

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I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.

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After reading some rave reviews for this product I thought I should get one for myself as I would dearly like to turn my life around like so many others seem to have done with this product.
I was however, hugely disappointed, as Amazon, and/or the makers of this product, have failed to advise that the 571B is a Region 1 Banana slicer and hence totally useless outside of the United States. I live in Australia and need a region 4 slicer. I now have a whole bunch of bananas sitting on my kitchen counter that I can’t slice and a life slightly more woeful and abject than it was before I received the slicer.

If you’re still bored, you could check out the rival “Fox Run Banana Slicer” though some find it inferior to the Hutzler:

This banana slicer is perfectly adequate and much cheaper than the top-of-the-line Hutzler 521, but I feel that the quality of the banana-slicing experience is not worth sacrificing for the cheaper price. What a dream it is to slice bananas with the Hutzler! This banana slicer leaves me feeling hollow and empty, without the deep satisfaction I feel from using my Hutzler 521 (or 520 or the classic 324).

Have a great weekend!