Category Archives: Divorce

Speaking words of grace to those who have divorced

weddingThe ninth of ten affirmations about marriage is this:
God hates divorce; God loves divorced people.

Yesterday we talked about recovering the first part of that statement, of proclaiming and living as a church the fact that divorce goes against what God wants. Today I want to reflect some on the second part of the statement: God loves divorced people.

It’s not easy to combat divorce without communicating some sort of assault on those who are divorced. We need to remember that those people have not removed themselves from the reach of God’s love. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Even a divorce that was carried out in a sinful manner can still be forgiven by God.

This isn’t the post where I look at all the ins and outs of divorce and remarriage. I may do that someday, but today isn’t that day. My point today is that even as we denounce divorce as being contrary to God’s will, we need to let divorced people know that God’s grace reaches them just as it reaches us. Whether they’ve been wronged or they have wronged another, God can heal that hurt and wash away all sin. Divorce need not define who they’ve been nor who they are going forward.

If we are going to stem the tide of divorce and speak with a prophetic voice to the generations to come, we will need the help of all Christians: single, married, divorced. We all need to affirm with one voice this two-faceted truth: God hates divorce; God loves divorced people.

So again, here’s affirmation #9: God hates divorce; God loves divorced people.

God hates divorce… but loves divorced people

weddingAt the beginning of the month, I presented ten affirmations about marriage in a sermon, then repeated them here. I’m looking at the different affirmations, one by one. The ninth statement was:
God hates divorce; God loves divorced people.

The church must present both of these concepts, teaching both vigorously. Hearing one without hearing the other leads us to dangerous extremes.

In an effort to show compassion toward those who have suffered through divorce, the church has run the risk of overly softening its stance on divorce. Divorce should be a rare exception, not an accepted alternative. We need to step up and say to younger generations: “We were wrong. We’ve made divorce seem normal. It’s not. God hates divorce.”

I learned a great life lesson once from some scraggly college kid whose name I don’t even know. I was 8 or 9 years old and was taking swimming lessons from the Red Cross. The day came for our swim test to pass from Advanced Beginners to Intermediate, and we each took our turn trying to do the different exercises on our way across the pool and back. Each person before me had tried and failed. One girl had made it to the other side and started back, but that was as far as she got. My turn came, and I started out, waiting to reach that moment when I too would admit failure. At one point, I felt the familiar burning sensation of water filling my nose, and I stopped and grabbed the side of the pool. This young man towered over me as I looked up from the water and screamed, “Why did you stop?” I gave him the obvious answer, “I got water in my nose.” And he then uttered the one word that I will never forget: “So?” That’s when I realized that I didn’t have to stop, I had merely chosen to stop. I learned that many times finishing something is merely about “stick-to-itness.” As you can probably guess, on my next try I was the first one in the group to pass the test. And, not surprisingly, several others in the class passed after that.

What does that have to do with marriage and divorce? I think we need to question our reasons and motives for giving up on a marriage. Are we giving up too quickly? Have we lost our “stick-to-itness”? We need to consider the impact our example has on others.

I was teaching a high school class about ten years ago. During one lesson, I got them to think about where they would be ten years from now. I’ll never forget the words of one boy who grew up in our church. “Wow, in ten years, I’ll probably be married. I may even be divorced by then.” We can’t have our young people thinking of divorce even before they are married.

Another effect concerns sexual purity. In another high school class, a visitor asked, “Why do people worry about waiting until they’re married when so many marriages end in divorce anyway?” When we teach an “escape clause” for marriage, we undermine the idea of being faithful for life to one person.

Do you remember the story of Aron Ralston? Aron Ralston loves the outdoors, hiking and trekking in the mountains. In 2003, he was hiking alone when a boulder fell and pinned him by the arm. For five days he waited for rescue. Then, facing dehydration and death, he took an incredible decision. He took a pocketknife and slowly amputated his own arm, freeing him and allowing him to hike out to safety.

What would it take to come to a decision like that? How desperate would you have to be to cut off a member of your own body? Would you turn to that solution quickly, or would you first explore every other possibility? Only when faced with death would a man do such a thing. So should be divorce. It is a desperate act, a self-mutiliation. It is the amputation of a part of our selves. We should resort to it only in extreme circumstances.

When you take a course in wilderness survival, they rarely teach you how to cut off your own arm. Why? Because it is assumed that you won’t ever reach that state of desperation. What if our teaching on divorce was similar? What if we could go back to a time when divorce was a rarity among us and not the norm?

Tomorrow I want to talk about the need to show compassion and love to those who have gone through divorce. But that compassion and love must be accompanied by a clear message: God hates divorce. Is there a time when divorce is okay? The answer is “NO.” It may be justifiable, it may be necessary, but it is never okay. God hates divorce, even in those rare instances where he permits it.

Affirmation #9: God hates divorce; God loves divorced people.

God loves divorced people

weddingThe church needs to send a resounding message to our communities: God loves divorced people.

That message needs to be accompanied by an equally strong message: God hates divorce.

It’s really hard to communicate either message without weakening the other. It’s a delicate balance, but one we have to find. We have to be able to tell people that have gone through a divorce that life has not ended, that God has not given up on them, that they are still valuable and important in our church communities.

At the same time, we need to let our young people know that divorce is an extreme measure, one to be taken only when all other avenues have been explored, all other remedies have proven insufficient.

So how do we do that? How do we denounce divorce without villanizing those who have suffered the trauma of divorce? How do we keep our children from considering divorce as an option without making divorced people feel like second class citizens?

Part of my concern about this comes from something that happened over 10 years ago. I was teaching the high school class at our church and asked them to think about what their lives might be like in 10 years. One very spiritual young man said, “Ten years? I’ll probably be married. I may even be divorced by then!” As I thought about it, I realized that his parents were divorced. One set of grandparents was divorced. He had at least one aunt and uncle that had divorced. To him, that was a natural part of life.

What do you suggest? What should our teaching be? How do we oppose divorce while supporting those who have been through it?

 

image courtesy morguefile.com