Category Archives: Humor

How to wash a cat (canine humor)

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Noticing that I didn’t have anything to post today, my dogs shared a little something with me that they had gotten in their e-mail. I don’t know the original source:

How to wash a cat

  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
  4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
  6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
  8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[Attn: This is a joke. Do not attempt at home. Yes, this is cruel… it was supposedly written by a dog. Get it? Oh, never mind.]

Photo by npclark on morguefile.com

Los americanos (for those willing to laugh at themselves)

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Piero De Benedictis is an Argentine singer (though born in Italy) who was fairly popular in the 1970s and 80s. Billed just as Piero, he became a leader in the “protest music” movement, singing against the repressive dictators in Argentina and Chile. He made famous a song (written by Alberto Cortez) called “Los Americanos”; the Wikipedia article about Piero calls it “a good-natured sendup of North Americans.”

Like much humor, it takes things that are true and exaggerates them to ridiculous levels. If you don’t like to laugh at yourself or to have others point out your foibles, stop reading now. If you don’t mind a “good-natured sendup,” then read my translation of “Los Americanos.”

LOS AMERICANOS
They are born elderly and gradually become kids,
Throughout the lifetime of los americanos.
And they are born convinced that there is nobody in the world
More important than los americanos.

Napoleon for them was an Italian gentleman
Who organized everything without los americanos.
And they are more than sure that he wouldn’t have lost
Waterloo with the help of los americanos.

If they know anything about history, it’s not from reading it
but from seeing it in the cine americano.
With massive sets and grandiose music
In the subtle style of los americanos.

They have huge jaws from chewing so much gum.
It’s common to see them, los americanos,
Dressed in a thousand colors, all except black,
Which doesn’t fit the taste of los americanos.

When they get old, they dress up like tourists
And head out for the world, los americanos.
In organized trips with romance included
Paid for eventually by los americanos.

If there’s something to be admired, wherever they go,
it’s the grand elegance of los americanos.
Wearing native dress, they mix in with the people,
And nobody realizes that they are americanos.

And they always buy valuable antiques
Recently antiqued, just for los americanos.
Then they have their friends over to their homes
To praise the fine taste of los americanos.

And in night clubs, after a few drinks,
They feel inspired, los americanos.
It’s very common to find them dancing tirelessly
Overflowing with the grace of los americanos.

So my friends, that’s enough for now.
I told you what I could about los americanos.
And if you see them… if you see them
Give my respectful greeting to los americanos.

Friday Fun: Nufy Adirf!

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So am I the only one who thinks of palindromes when he thinks of the Panama Canal? Yeah, I figured I was. That’s okay.

For today’s Friday distraction, I thought we’d talk about palindromes. You know, those words and phrases that read the same backwards and forwards. Words like “eye” and “racecar” are plaindromes. One of the most famous phrases would be “Madam, I’m Adam.”

So here are a few palindromes for your Friday reading (taken from Fun With Words):

Don’t nod
Dogma: I am God
Never odd or even
Too bad – I hid a boot
Rats live on no evil star
No trace; not one carton
Was it Eliot’s toilet I saw?
Murder for a jar of red rum
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Go hang a salami; I’m a lasagna hog!
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
A Toyota! Race fast… safe car: a Toyota
Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Doc Note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod
No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention
Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak
Some men interpret nine memos
Campus Motto: Bottoms up, Mac
Go deliver a dare, vile dog!
Madam, in Eden I’m Adam
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Do geese see God?
God saw I was dog
Dennis sinned

But what about Panama, you ask. First published in 1948, this palindrome has become famous:

A man, a plan, a canal – Panama!

But what if you got a computer to develop a “Panama” type palindrome? You might end up with this whopper, developed by programmer Dan Hoey (with help from the UNIX spelling dictionary):

A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar, a hoop, a pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat, a caw, a pax, a wag, a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay, a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger, a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal, a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a watt, a bay, a daub, a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a say, a jaw, a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr, a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim, a tenor, a bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted, a cabal, a tang, a sun, an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub, a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad, a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood, a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel, a reed, a pool, a plug, a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a nu, a fan, a pal, a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot, a nap, a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel, a total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal, a cola, a pap, a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag, a jar, a bat, a way, a papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag, a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot, a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog, a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map, an atom, a gum, a kit, a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun, a ducat, a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer, a leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid, a raid, a wad, an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag, a saw, a mass, an anus, a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural, a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet, a minimax, a sari, a fall, a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart, a part, a tort, a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat, a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall, a patina, a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw, a regular, a call, a war, a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray, an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley, a drib, a lion, a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman, a bater, a canal – Panama!

A brief, over-simplified history of Latin America: The influence of topology

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One interesting thing about the Spanish conquest of the Americas is how topology affected the future of the native peoples. The Spanish were interested in farmland, not mountain areas nor jungles. They were interested in the resources that might lie in those areas, but by and large, the Spaniards allowed the natives to retain possession of extremely mountainous areas.

That’s why the native populations remained strong in many of the Andean countries, but not so much in places like Argentina and Uruguay, where the fertile lands led the invaders to drive the natives out.

In other words, in the Americas, the reign of Spain was mainly on the plain.

(And one! That’s right, I was able to make a historical point and still get in a bad Friday pun)

Photo by Eva Schuster

The Kitchen Goes Down In Flames

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It’s Friday! Time for a little humor. As always in The Kitchen, we will aim for as little humor as possible.

Since my job involves a lot of travel, it only seems right that I share a few travel jokes. Well, more specifically, how about some airplane jokes? Even more specifically, let’s talk plane crashes! Here we go…

The flight seemed routine enough when the pilot came on with an announcement: “Folks, I need to let you know that we’re having trouble with one of the engines. It’s nothing serious, and we can make it just fine without that engine, but we will be arriving a bit late. Expect a delay of thirty minutes.”

A few minutes later, the pilot was back: “Folks, this is your captain speaking. We’ve lost another engine. We still have two left and can make it just fine, but now we’re looking at an hour’s delay.”

Then came the third announcement: “I hate to say this, folks, but we’ve lost a third engine. This plane was designed to make it on just one engine, but we’ll be flying low and slow. Gonna be about two hours late.”

One passenger turned to the guy next to him and said, “Man, I hope we don’t lose that other engine! We’ll be up here all day.”

The transatlantic flight was going well until they flew into the storm. Multiple lightning strikes took out the engines, and the plane started to lose speed and altitude. The captain came on the intercom: “Folks, this is your captain. As you can tell, we’re having a bit of trouble, and it looks like we’re going to have to ditch the plane. I think we can pull off a water landing, but I need to ask you a favor. Those who are good swimmers, please move to the right hand side of the plane. Those who aren’t, please move to the left. When we land, those on the right should exit quickly and make their way toward land. Those on the left, thank you for choosing British Airways.”

The charter plane was flying over the South American rain forest with just three passengers: a Boy Scout, an old priest, and an important politician. At one point, the pilot steps out of the cockpit and says, “Sorry, guys, but this plane is going down. We only have three parachutes. Since I’m the pilot, I have to report what happened.” With that, he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The politician was next. “I’m sure you understand my importance to this country. I’ll take the second chute.” With that, he was gone.

The old priest patted the young boy on the leg and said, “It’s ok, my son. I’ve lived a long life and I’m ready to meet my Maker…” But the boy interrupted him and said, “Don’t worry father. We’ve still got two chutes. The politician took my backpack.”

OK, that’s enough for now. Happy travels!