Category Archives: Humor

Nate the Prospector and the End of the World

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Another offering from the Archer family treasury of bad jokes…

Nate the Prospector
and the End of the World

Nate was a prospector, albeit not a particularly successful one. For years he traipsed around the Sierra Nevada mountains with his faithful Native American companion, Kwanto. Unable to find gold, they lived off the land and barely survived.

One day, as they explored an isolated valley, the ground gave way beneath them. When they regained their feet, they saw an ancient shrine that had been buried in the dirt. Being something of a linguist, Kwanto was able to decipher the ancient runes on the shrine’s columns. In amazement, he cried out, “Nate, look at this! Says, ‘This lever ends the world.'” They then noticed the beautifully adorned lever protruding from the ground.

Both men were strong believers in the veracity of ancient runes and the effectiveness of strange levers buried in the dirt, so they were very careful not to touch anything. However, Nate, being a better businessman than prospector, saw his golden opportunity. Soon, he was bringing curious adventure seekers to see the lever. Over time, an entire village grew up around THE LEVER THAT ENDS THE WORLD.

Nate and Kwanto became rich beyond their wildest dreams. Kwanto was able to purchase a horseless carriage made by an Italian immigrant named Ferrari. Nate spent his time in wild living, being a regular at the local saloon.

One night, Kwanto was returning from a long drive in his Ferrari. As he came into the village, he saw Nate, in a state of insobriety, stumbling along the street. Just then, Kwanto’s brakes failed him and he realized that he was about to run over his friend. Frantically turning the wheel, Kwanto found himself headed straight for the lever! Another sharp tug of the steering wheel avoided that disaster, but failed to save poor Nate. Kwanto ran over his longtime partner, killing him instantly.

The car came to a crashing stop in front of the saloon, and all of the townspeople rushed out to see what had happened.

The sheriff pulled Kwanto out of the car and shouted, “Why, Kwanto? Why did you do it? Why did you run over poor ol’ Nate?”

Kwanto looked at him sadly and said…

“Better Nate than lever.”

The Count’s Treasure

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The Archer family likes jokes. Most Archer men have been blessed/cursed with a dry sense of humor that some people love and others can’t stand.

Growing up, there was a whole set of jokes that I heard told time and again. I’m not claiming that they are original with the Archers, just that they were popular at family gatherings. (Google shows that they are commonly found in the wild) For a while now, I’ve had the idea of writing them down and preserving them. Since this is my best writing and preserving outlet, I thought I’d publish a few of these on Fridays.

WARNING: Exposure to the following joke can cause extreme groaning.

THE COUNT’S TREASURE

Once upon a time, there was a rich and powerful count who lived in a far away land. His business dealings were shady, and his treatment of his subjects was shadier. Over time, he amassed a great fortune… and a great deal of resentment from those who lived in his realm.

Finally, the peasants could take it no more. With the complicity of the count’s own guards, they rose up against the evil count. They stormed his mansion and captured their tormentor. Seeking the return of their stolen goods, they pressured the despot to reveal the hiding place of his treasure. But the count refused.

They hauled him out to the public square and placed his head on the chopping block. “Tell us where the treasure is, and we’ll spare your life.” Still the count remained silent. They gave him a deadline, and the hour came and went. The executioner raised his ax, and the women in the crowd gasped in horror.

Finally, the count’s resolve failed. “Wait, I’ll tell you. The treasure is…”

But it was too late. The ax fell, and the count was gone, taking with him the secret of his treasure.

MORAL: Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.

Snooze or the Light of Christ

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Writing about wisdom literature reminded me of a study I did a few years ago. Inspired by the hermeneutic used to condemn alcoholic beverages, I undertook a study of an evil that is similarly condemned in Proverbs and other books. Here’s something I wrote back then (the title played off a similar title that was sent to me):

SNOOZE OR THE LIGHT OF CHRIST

It’s time that we warned the church about: sleeping! Yes, though the Bible at times seems to speak favorably of sleep, I think we can see the evils of sleep outweigh any possible benefits we might find in that practice.

Let’s look at what the Bible says:

“Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler. Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” (Proverbs 6:4-11)

“Do not love sleep or you will grow poor; stay awake and you will have food to spare.” (Proverbs 20:13)

“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” (Proverbs 24:33-34)

Yes, Solomon, the great wise king, has much to say about the dangers of sleeping. But what about the New Testament? Revelation urges Christians to resist this temptation:

“Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.” (Revelation 3:2-3)

We can also see that Paul did not approve of sleep: “And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.” (Romans 13:11) Though this is figurative, we can see that sleeping is used as a figure of evil.

It’s also connected with drunkenness: “For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night.” (1 Thessalonians 5:7)

And Paul makes it clear that we have to choose: “This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”” (Ephesians 5:14) We can either sleep or we can have Christ shine on us.

Obviously positive references to sleep involve mere napping or nodding off, not sleep like we think of it today. We have no approved examples of Jesus or his apostles sleeping in a bed with a pillow and have no reason to think they would have condoned such behavior. Brothers, as we seek to stamp out the evils in our congregations, let us not forget this slumberous sin.

Oxymorons

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OK, it’s Friday in the midst of a winter storm season. I think we’re ready for a break. I know I am anyway. So here’s some lighter fare. I found some lists of the “Top 20 Oxymorons” on the Internet. Oxymorons, of course, are expressions made up of words that seemingly contradict one another. (George Carlin is famous for citing oxymorons like “Business Ethics” and “Military Intelligence.”)

Picking and choosing from the different lists (which all had the same #1), I’ve come up with these:

Top Twenty Oxymorons
#20 — Found missing
#19 — Personal computer
#18 — Dodge Ram
#17 — Same difference
#16 — Tight slacks
#15 — Sanitary landfill
#14 — Alone together
#13 — Random pattern
#12 — Virtual reality
#11 — Peace force
#10 — Plastic glasses
#9 — Head butt
#8 — Pretty ugly
#7 — Dry martini
#6 — Work party
#5 — Jumbo shrimp
#4 — Healthy tan
#3 — Exact estimate
#2 — Temporary perm

and our unanimous #1 — Microsoft Works

Ogden Nash

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With Brian duly chastising me for my lack of appreciation of poetry, I was reminded of my favorite poet: Ogden Nash. His was definitely a style I could appreciate. Let me share a few poems so you can see what I mean:

A Word To Husbands
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Introspective Reflection
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance
Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Crossing The Border
Senescence begins
And middle age ends
The day your descendents
Outnumber your friends.

Reflections on Ice-Breaking
Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker.

Not all of Nash’s poems were so short, but he definitely had a knack for expressing ideas in a witty, concise way.

One more short Nash poem for the weekend:

Fleas
Adam
Had ’em.

(You can read Nash’s poems here)