Category Archives: Marriage

Putting divorce into the church’s hands

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weddingOK, I had an epiphany. (Calendar says that should have happened in January, but it hit me late.) I was listening to the news about the gay marriage fight and thinking over the ridiculous situation the church has put herself in by joining hands with the State in the whole question of marriage.

Considering the benefits of separating church marriage from civil marriage, I realized one of the biggest advantages for the church: divorce. By allowing the State to determine who marries and who doesn’t, as well as who divorces and who doesn’t, we’ve placed ourselves in an extremely awkward situation when it comes to divorce.

Imagine this scenario. What if the church defined for herself who is married and who isn’t? What if, like in many countries, civil marriage was one thing and church marriage was another? Then, whenever people wanted a divorce, they would have to go through the church. If not, they would be plainly admitting that they were rejecting the church’s teachings on divorce and choosing to live in adultery.

“But that would put church leaders in the position of deciding whether or not people can legitimately divorce!” That’s nothing new. They are thrust into that situation time and again. Only problem is, they usually are dealing with that subject after the fact.

Two members get a divorce. The elders (or other leaders) have to decide whether those people remain in good standing with the church. Or people who have remarried come to place membership. The leaders have to ask some questions about the divorce(s) to determine how to receive these people. And in each of the cases, the leaders face the disadvantage that the State has already allowed the divorce.

If people had to go through the church to divorce, there would be more opportunities for counseling and ministering to hurting couples. More opportunities to stave off the travesty of divorce. And much more social cost in terminating a marriage. It would allow us to teach people that divorce is an absolute last resort, reserved for extreme cases. It would get people’s minds off of the legal side of things and back on the spiritual nature of marriage and divorce.

It’s too late to fully take back marriage, at least in countries like the United States. Even if the church begins to take a more active role in this area, we’ve given the State free use of terms like “marriage” and “divorce,” allowing it to apply those terms to whomever it sees fit. But we can make plain to our children and all our members that it is God, not Congress, who defines who is married and who is not.

Let’s stop rendering to Caesar what rightfully belongs to God.

Marriage: The minister as agent of the State

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In talking about how church and State work together in creating marriages, I observed that a wedding is a unique moment, when the Christian minister becomes an agent of the State. It seems to me that we need to think long and hard about the implications of that.

Because what the minister is doing is not only a church function but a public function as well, the minister is open to State control in a new way. This is currently seen when governments (sometimes state, sometimes county) determine who can and can’t perform a marriage ceremony. Many places require that the minister have a certificate of ordination. Most ministers within churches of Christ don’t have such a certificate unless they’ve had one created specifically for this purpose. In other words, while not normally practicing ordination, they will do so (or pretend to have done so) to meet governmental requirements.

This is a small thing, I guess, but it seems to me that the subject could become quite complicated. To some degree, government decides now who can and cannot marry. If the minister is an agent of the State, could he not be compelled to marry whomever the government decides may be married? Couldn’t restrictions be placed on this public affair as to what can and cannot be said? Couldn’t the State decide many details about this public ceremony?

I’m not much into slippery slopes, so I don’t want to make this overly dramatic. Still, it bears some consideration. Once you agree to perform a legal function, a governmental function if you will, it seems to me that you’ve opened Pandora’s box.

I should state the obvious: I’m neither a lawyer nor did I get to play one in 12th grade English class when we had the mock trial based on “Enemy of the People.” Still, I’m beginning to have concerns about the wisdom of performing “official” weddings. What am I opening myself up to when I sign that wedding license?

Where church and State diverge: Marriage

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Yesterday we talked about the overlap between the church and the State regarding marriage. There was a time when church and state were one, and this marriage (all puns intended) of civic and religious responsibilities made sense. Even when the two separated, they walked in the same direction for many years, so things still worked. That’s no longer the case.

Marriage in society in general and marriage within the Kingdom are two different things. We need to recognize that fact. It’s not just now becoming true with some places allowing gay couples to marry; it’s been true for a very long time.

Our society looks on marriage as a temporary state. It’s a contract with an easy escape clause. There is no stigma attached to marrying and divorcing multiple times. Couples join, and jokes are made about how long the union will last. That’s not the same marriage we teach in the Kingdom.

When couples exchange their vows in front of an Elvis impersonator in a Las Vegas chapel, that’s not Kingdom marriage. When couples sign prenuptial agreements before saying “I do,” that’s not our marriage. When a man and a woman decide to “tie the knot” after having their third child, that’s not Christian marriage. I could go on and on, but we need to recognize that society’s marriage and the church’s marriage are not the same. By joining the two, we aren’t strengthening society; we’re weakening the church.

Even if the two marriages continue to be intertwined, we need to teach our children the difference between the two. We need to teach our adults, for that matter. The State isn’t the church, and the church isn’t the State. We are citizens of the Kingdom of heaven and need to remember, no matter how judges rule and politicians legislate, we answer to our King. For us: “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy.” (James 4:12)

For citizens of the Kingdom, marriage is what it has always been.

Where church and State overlap: Marriage

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We’ve been discussing some, over the last few weeks, Christians and social issues. I wanted to take some time to talk about marriage.

For many, this issue became of importance when some began pressing for the legalization of same sex marriage. I think things have been in a mess far longer than that.

Many countries have a clear separation of civil and religious aspects when it comes to marriage. There is a civil ceremony, which is the legally binding act. There is a separate religious service, which allows each person to have a ceremony in accordance with their beliefs.

In the United States, we have the strange situation of church and State overlapping with one another. Unless I’m mistaken, a wedding is the only officially recognized act that a minister can perform. Baptisms have no legal status. Ministers take part in funerals, but the State gives that no particular validation.

What’s even more puzzling, a minister can marry you, but he has no say in divorce proceedings. In what way does that make sense?

This has gone on for so long that the church accepts the situation as normal. It’s not. The State has no say in who can and can’t be baptized. The State doesn’t determine who is eligible to take the Lord’s Supper. If we believe marriage to be a religious act, we should not align ourselves with the State when it comes time for a wedding.

Would it be helpful if we switched to a system of dual ceremonies, a civil ceremony and a religious one? That would free the church to set its own standards and relieve ministers of the burden of being an agent of the State in any capacity. It would also empower the church, I think, to better address the question of divorce.

Or how we can we better separate that which is holy from that which is not?

photo by grietgriet on morguefile.com

Speaking of marriage and Ephesians

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“Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)
The best advice I ever got about marriage came from the Bible. Whatever it is, work it out before you go to sleep.