Tag Archives: Field Guide to Church Fauna

Field Guide to Church Fauna: The Fault-Finding Mole

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The Fault-Finding Mole (criticali surfingus) is a close cousin to the Finger-Wagging Naysayer. This underground creature pops out unexpectedly to show everyone concerned the error of their ways.

In other ecosystems, these creatures are called “trolls”; their presence on the Internet is legendary. They surf from site to site, spreading negativity and criticism. On the Internet, as in real life, it is always easier to tear down than to build up, easier to criticize than create.

The Fault-Finding Mole craves attention. The road to domesticating them is avoiding any encouragement of their negative behavior, while affirming positive behavior. Their need for attention must be met in a positive way, while their censorious behavior must be exposed to the life-changing power of God.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: The Scandalized Goose

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The Scandalized Goose (offendiati sempre) is sometimes nicknamed “the professional weaker brother.” His sensibilities are always on his sleeve. His fragile faith continually hangs in the balance. One false move by another can drive him from the congregation and possibly from the faith entirely… or so he claims.

I would like to point out the differences between the immature Scandalized Goose and the mature one, unfortunately no mature subjects of the species have ever been found. Their development cycle exceeds their lifespan, so the Scandalized Goose never moves beyond spiritual immaturity, never moves beyond the point where his faith can be destroyed merely by another’s dress or speech.

Care must be taken that the threats and complains of the Scandalized Goose never be allowed to keep the church ecosystem from growing and progressing. They are to be treated with love and respect, but must never be allowed to coerce their brothers and sisters into appeasing their every whim. Should they resort to flight, they should be allowed to flee; they will eventually light within another flock or they will return having been transformed into a mature, swanlike creature.

They are best domesticated with a firm, caring hand.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: The Uplifting Builder

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The Uplifting Builder (edificat totali) is unfortunately an all too rare species in the ecclesiastical phylum. The Builder has amazing eyesight, able to find the good in almost any situation. In addition, their talent for communication is outstanding, finding edifying words for almost every situation.

Environmental changes have placed these noble creatures on the endangered list. As the surrounding society becomes more strident, so do church interactions. Great care must be taken to preserve the breeding grounds of the Builders so that their numbers may be preserved.

Builders can feed off one another; mutual edification is the healthiest for the church. There will always be plenty of other species available to expose flaws and critique ideas; the Uplifting Builders must be supported as they work to accentuate the positive and provide the spiritual boost that all members of the church need.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: Kneeling Backgrounder

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The Kneeling Backgrounder (prayingus warriae) is, at first glance, an unimpressive species. A master of camouflage, it blends into the background in almost any situation. Yet it possesses a powerful attack, the power of prayer. When in a kneeling position, the Backgrounder is capable of great feats.

The importance of the Backgrounder to the ecosystem of the church cannot be overstated. Though they don’t stand out among the other species, the absence of these creatures in any congregation will lead to environmental chaos.

In the proper environment, the Kneeling Backgrounder can grow in numbers and dominate their church setting. This is a healthy development which should be encouraged and cultivated. Though Backgrounders may seem unimportant their presence and activity is vital to the healthy functioning of the church ecosystem.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: Flits

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The Flit (bounceinicus bounceouticus) is a reclusive creature, so hard to spot that some even doubt their existence. Possessing impeccable timing, these shy animals are able to arrive at the precise moment a worship service is beginning and disappear as soon as it is over (if not slightly before). Many regular observers of church services remain unaware of the existence of the Flit.

Capture of the Flit is almost impossible, even using food as bait. Force and coercion often prove equally ineffective, even the use of potent sprays like HeeBrooz 10-25. Masters of the excuse and the explanation, Flits can avoid all obligations and commitments. They refuse to be pinned down, fight against being fenced in.

Though relatively inoffensive, domestication of the Flit should be a goal of every congregation. As with many of the animals listed in this guide, love and comprehension are the principal tools in dealing effectively with these solitary creatures.