Tag Archives: Field Guide to Church Fauna

Field Guide to Church Fauna: The Blustery Sloth

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The Blustery Sloth (blabbingus et boringus) is truly a wondrous creature. Blessed with amazing lung capacity, the sloth can literally talk for hours, nonstop. Virtually incapable of other physical activity, the sloth has a great capacity for oratory, mimicking intelligent speech in a most convincing way.

The Blustery Sloth seeks to meet every challenge with vocal strategies; any problem to be solved is greeted with “We should have a class on that” or “A good sermon will fix everything.” Suggestions of physical action are meet with artful filibuster; the sloth is willing to talk about anything, but unwilling to act on anything.

Attempts to force the sloth into action will prove counterproductive. The only successful way to guide this creature to overcome inertia is through gentle prodding and constant example. Praise and understanding go a long way when dealing with this sluggish critter.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: Frenzied Trendsuckers

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The Frenzied Trendsuckers (bandwagonae jumponicus) are a fast-moving member of the bird family. They are continually chasing after shiny objects, principally the newest trends and latest fads. They live in search of a new and better flock of which to be a part of.

The Trendsucker can be recognized by its distinctive call, including sounds like “new,” “latest,” and “what the church should have been all along.” They are often carrying books with titles like “The Post-evangelical Neo-missional Re-emergent Movement.” They will respond to terms like “senior minister” or “church planter,” but will not respond to traditional calls like “preacher” or “pulpit minister.”

Young Frenzied Trendsuckers do not do well in captivity, though older ones can be domesticated over time. Once domesticated, the Trendsucker is completely rejected by his wild counterparts.

Unfortunately, Trendsuckers can often be very agressive toward species similar to themselves. Only with great patience can Frenzied Trendsuckers be brought to share living space with other species.

Field Guide to Church Fauna: The Finger-Wagging Naysayer

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The Finger-Wagging Naysayer (pessimistus perpetua) is a gentle creature, except in the presence of ideas that are seen to be new or different. In the presence of these perceived threats, the Naysayer transforms, moving in quickly to attack these ideas motivated merely by self-preservation.

The Naysayer depends on camouflage and deception, being easily confused with the Thoughtful Participant. Over time, it’s not hard to tell the two apart, but at first glance, they are strikingly similar in appearance. Once spotted, the Naysayer can be rendered harmless, with their attacks being avoided with ease.

Individual Naysayers vary in their style of attack. Some attack viciously, using intimidation and fear to increase the effectiveness of their actions. Others use a hynoptic, almost imperceptible motion to disarm their opponent without even seeming to be roused from their slumber.

The principal weapon of the Naysayer is its acute sense of history. It uses to its advantage one simple fact: every idea has either been tried before or it hasn’t. If the idea has been tried before, the Naysayer quickly jabs with, “We tried that before. Didn’t work.” If the idea hasn’t been done before, the response is even more vigourous: “We’ve never done things like that.” The follow-up knockout blow is often: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

The Naysayer can be tamed with large amounts of love and optimism.

{photo by Nehrams2020}