Another offering from the Archer family treasury of bad jokes…

Pepe and the Fire at the Barn

The Johnsons lived out in the country on a small farm. They had many animals on their place, but none as special as Pepe. Pepe was a chihuahua. And Pepe could talk.

Not just Lassie-style communication or a Scooby-dooish speech. Pepe could talk like you or me. Sure, he made a grammatical error or two, but his syntax was much better than Yoda’s.

Bobby Daniels was the Johnsons’ hired man. He had quite a temper and a bit of a mean streak, but he was always good to Pepe.

One day, Bobby and Mr. Johnson had a fierce argument. Bobby got mad and quit. That didn’t settle the score for him, however, so he came back and set the barn on fire.

Pepe woke up and smelled the smoke. “Fire, fire!” he screamed, at the top of his little lungs. Though his speech was impressive, it was far from loud, so no one heard little Pepe’s cries. The barn burned to the ground that night.

When the Johnsons’ got up the next morning, they found the smoldering ruins of their barn. “Pepe, what happened?” they asked. “Who did this?”

Poor little Pepe could barely talk after all that screaming. And he certainly didn’t want to see his friend Bobby get in trouble. All he would croak out was: “I don’t know. I didn’t see anything.”

Mr. Johnson knew that Pepe was holding out. He became so angry that he hit the dog again and again. Still Pepe wouldn’t give up his friend. He finally tired of the abuse and ran away into the woods, never to return.

MORAL: You can beat a hoarse chihuahua, but you can’t make him fink.

Another offering from the Archer family treasury of bad jokes…

Nate the Prospector
and the End of the World

Nate was a prospector, albeit not a particularly successful one. For years he traipsed around the Sierra Nevada mountains with his faithful Native American companion, Kwanto. Unable to find gold, they lived off the land and barely survived.

One day, as they explored an isolated valley, the ground gave way beneath them. When they regained their feet, they saw an ancient shrine that had been buried in the dirt. Being something of a linguist, Kwanto was able to decipher the ancient runes on the shrine’s columns. In amazement, he cried out, “Nate, look at this! Says, ‘This lever ends the world.'” They then noticed the beautifully adorned lever protruding from the ground.

Both men were strong believers in the veracity of ancient runes and the effectiveness of strange levers buried in the dirt, so they were very careful not to touch anything. However, Nate, being a better businessman than prospector, saw his golden opportunity. Soon, he was bringing curious adventure seekers to see the lever. Over time, an entire village grew up around THE LEVER THAT ENDS THE WORLD.

Nate and Kwanto became rich beyond their wildest dreams. Kwanto was able to purchase a horseless carriage made by an Italian immigrant named Ferrari. Nate spent his time in wild living, being a regular at the local saloon.

One night, Kwanto was returning from a long drive in his Ferrari. As he came into the village, he saw Nate, in a state of insobriety, stumbling along the street. Just then, Kwanto’s brakes failed him and he realized that he was about to run over his friend. Frantically turning the wheel, Kwanto found himself headed straight for the lever! Another sharp tug of the steering wheel avoided that disaster, but failed to save poor Nate. Kwanto ran over his longtime partner, killing him instantly.

The car came to a crashing stop in front of the saloon, and all of the townspeople rushed out to see what had happened.

The sheriff pulled Kwanto out of the car and shouted, “Why, Kwanto? Why did you do it? Why did you run over poor ol’ Nate?”

Kwanto looked at him sadly and said…

“Better Nate than lever.”

The Archer family likes jokes. Most Archer men have been blessed/cursed with a dry sense of humor that some people love and others can’t stand.

Growing up, there was a whole set of jokes that I heard told time and again. I’m not claiming that they are original with the Archers, just that they were popular at family gatherings. (Google shows that they are commonly found in the wild) For a while now, I’ve had the idea of writing them down and preserving them. Since this is my best writing and preserving outlet, I thought I’d publish a few of these on Fridays.

WARNING: Exposure to the following joke can cause extreme groaning.

THE COUNT’S TREASURE

Once upon a time, there was a rich and powerful count who lived in a far away land. His business dealings were shady, and his treatment of his subjects was shadier. Over time, he amassed a great fortune… and a great deal of resentment from those who lived in his realm.

Finally, the peasants could take it no more. With the complicity of the count’s own guards, they rose up against the evil count. They stormed his mansion and captured their tormentor. Seeking the return of their stolen goods, they pressured the despot to reveal the hiding place of his treasure. But the count refused.

They hauled him out to the public square and placed his head on the chopping block. “Tell us where the treasure is, and we’ll spare your life.” Still the count remained silent. They gave him a deadline, and the hour came and went. The executioner raised his ax, and the women in the crowd gasped in horror.

Finally, the count’s resolve failed. “Wait, I’ll tell you. The treasure is…”

But it was too late. The ax fell, and the count was gone, taking with him the secret of his treasure.

MORAL: Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.