Tag Archives: joke

Flying Lesson

Sometimes on Fridays, I share a joke from my past. Against my better judgment, I’ve decided that this joke needs to be preserved. It’s not from the Archer family treasury; I heard this one on the radio when I was in college:

Flying Lesson

Uncle Max decided he wanted to learn to fly. He signed up for lessons and made great strides. He had the theoretical part down. He had even flown some when the instructor would hand him the controls in mid-flight.

Now came the day for Uncle Max to learn to take off. He jumped into the plane with his instructor, and they headed down the runway. Picking up speed, the reached the moment of truth. It was time to take off.

That’s when the plane nosed into the ground, tumbling over and over. Both men escaped unscathed, but the instructor had fire in his eyes. “You idiot!” he yelled…

“I said break ground and fly into the wind!”

[OK, now I get to apologize to all of those offended by scatological humor. I won’t do it again. :-) ]

Julia and her amazing berry

Sometimes on Fridays, I’ve been sharing jokes from the Archer treasury of bad puns. I was reminded of this one last week, so I thought I’d share it:

Julia and her amazing berry

Julia Anthony loved to garden. Her vegetables had won prizes every year at the state fair. Her cobblers had won prizes. Her jams had won prizes. But she’d never won a prize for her berries.

This would be the year to change that, for Julia’s garden had produced an amazing strawberry. Her friends began to tell their friends, and people came from miles around just to see Julia’s berry. She knew that when it came time for the fair that she would most certainly win. In fact, she had hopes of entering the National Berry Association’s nationwide competition. (if the NBA could settle its labor problems)

One evening, a large dark sedan pulled up in front of their house. Two men got out of the car, wearing dark suits and sunglasses. Julia was thrilled. She was certain that the National Berry Association had sent field agents to evaluate her strawberry. She called to her husband, Mark, to join her for the excitement.

Julia quickly invited the men in and led them out to her strawberry patch. All the while she chatted about how happy she was that her berry was going to get to compete. The men were strangely silent.

Finally, Mark Anthony could stand it no more. He asked them straight out: “So, do you think her berry is good enough to enter the competition?”

That’s when the men showed their true intentions. One of them pulled out a gun and said, “There seems to be some misunderstanding…


…we’ve come to seize her berry, not appraise it!”

The wildebeest and the animal trainer

The last few Fridays, I’ve been sharing jokes from the Archer treasury of bad puns. I want to add a few that may or may not have been told when I was young. They’re included because they are equally pun-ishing:

The wildebeest and the animal trainer

Donny was an animal trainer who worked at the circus. That is, he worked at the circus until the circus went out of business. Then he had to find a new job.

Fortunately, the local zoo had an opening, and Donny got the job. It wasn’t quite the same, but at least Donny was around the animals he loved.

When things would get slow at the zoo, Donny would spend time with some of the animals, teaching them new tricks. As the animals became more proficient at their pirouettes, more and more people flocked to the zoo. Soon Donny was allowed to spend all his time training the animals to perform.

There was a wildebeest in the zoo that had been there since the zoo opened. Nobody was really sure how old it was, but it was well past its prime. Donny decided that his next task would be to teach that wildebeest some basic tricks. He started with some of the simple ones: Sit. Stay. Play dead. But the elderly animal just grunted at him and continued chewing its cud. Donny gave up out of frustration.

Davey, one of the other workers had observed the whole thing. He asked Donny for permission to try and train the animal. Donny laughed and said, “Sure, kid, knock yourself out.” Davey went to work, and after a few days, Donny was amazed to see the old wildebeest balanced on a ball, spinning a plate on his nose.

Donny rushed up to Davey and said, “You must be the greatest trainer in the world! Tell me your secret.”

Davey smiled at Donny and explained, “You forgot one of the basic rules in training zoo animals:”

Photo by Profeberger at en.wikipedia

“You can’t teach an old gnu dog tricks.”


The bird lover and the plaid pigeon

As I’ve been doing the last few Fridays, I want to share another joke from the Archer treasury of bad puns:

The bird lover and the plaid pigeon

Charlie Storch loved birds. He had dedicated his life to the study of birds. But one day he met a bird that he just couldn’t love.

It was the plaid pigeon. A lifetime of ornithology hadn’t prepared Charlie for the sight of the plaid pigeon. And it was love at first sight. Charlie was exploring in the deepest, darkest regions of Iowa when he stumbled upon the nest of the plaid pigeon. This was certainly a rare bird! The bird was colored just like the old couch at Charlie’s grandma’s house and sang a heartwarming song. Charlie trapped the bird and took it home with him.

The bird was quite content in his new home and really seemed to flourish. Too much so, I’m afraid. The bird ate and ate, and the bird grew and grew. By the end of the first week, the bird had doubled in size. By the end of the second week, the bird had doubled in size again. By the end of the third week… well, you get the picture.

The food bill was tremendous. The, err, output was tremendous. And soon the bird wouldn’t fit in Charlie’s house. Charlie had to do something. Rare bird or no, he had to get rid of it.

Charlie borrowed a pickup from a neighbor, but the bird was growing as they went down the road and soon got to big for the truck. Charlie went and rented the largest dump truck he could find. He loaded up the bird and headed for a nearby ridge where he could drop the bird off into the forest.

The truck was groaning under the strain by the time they reached their destination. Charlie pulled the lever to dump the bird and got the surprise of his life. From the back part of the truck, he heard the voice of the plaid pigeon: “Hey, mister, do you know what you’re doing?” the bird called, before commenting…

“It’s a long way to tip a rarey.”

(Note: I used to laugh at this joke as a kid, even though I didn’t know the song. In case you don’t know the song, I’ve included a YouTube video of the original)

The piano tuner and the persnickety pianist

As I’ve been doing the last few Fridays, I want to share another joke from the Archer treasury of bad puns:

The piano tuner
and the persnickety pianist

There once was a town known for its music, a little town called Musika. It was filled with orchestras and bands, piano studios and bagpipe halls. Everyone loved music. Almost everyone played music. Almost everyone did something related to music.

Auber couldn’t sing. He couldn’t play an instrument. But he was the best piano tuner in the land. Nobody knew how he did it, but Auber could tune a piano with nothing but a rusty pair of needle-nosed pliers. He didn’t even use a tuning fork. And when Auber finished, the piano was perfectly tuned. Every time.

Although he had no children, Auber drove around in a van that proudly proclaimed: “Noggity & Sons, Piano Tuners.” He thought the “& Sons” part added an air of distinction.

Nigel was a concert pianist. A world-famous concert pianist. As part of his tour of Europe, he stopped in the town of Musika to give a concert in their renowned concert hall. (which, by the way, was the largest building in town) As was his custom, he shipped in his own Steinway piano. And he had the townspeople call in the finest piano tuner to tune his piano. This, of course, was Auber.

Auber came in and worked his magic. Soon the Steinway sounded as never before, and Auber left in his “Noggity & Sons” van.

But Nigel wasn’t the kind to admit that someone else could do anything right. (When you look up “persnickety” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Nigel) He sat down, played a few chords, and summoned the manager of the hall. “Bring back that incompetent piano tuner immediately,” he sneered. “He has bungled the acoustics and mangled the harmonics.” (Besides being persnickety, he was also pretentious, trying to use big words to impress people)

The manager turned white. He stuttered and stammered, and finally blurted out: “But sir!…”

 

 

“Auber Noggity only tunes once!”